why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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