you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
