ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
