At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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