Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
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You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome