answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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