this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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