my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
