I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
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I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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