Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
my liver is dry heaving
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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