I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
