Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
