just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
