I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
