Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
