About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
