why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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