Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
