I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
