oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
