even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
