I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
