new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks