I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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