i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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