Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping