Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
