Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He passed out mid-signature
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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