I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
