He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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