Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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