Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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