the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
