Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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