he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
