Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
