he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
