First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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