Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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