guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
