I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
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He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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