I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
