Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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