Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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