dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
