I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
