I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
