im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
