i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
