I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
