dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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