Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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