So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
