the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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