Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
