What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
