Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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