I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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