he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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