I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
